Hopefully, as of June 29th, I will be a doctoral student. I am excited to take this next step but also nervous...especially because over the last week or so, it has become apparent to me that people in my professional life are jealous of my professional accomplishments.
I really hate to use the word "jealous" but I don't know how else to describe it. I don't know why they would be. They all have the exact same ability to go online and sign up to become a National Board Certified Teacher, just like I did. In fact, last year when I was working on it, I said something about it to one of my colleagues and she said it sounded like too much work for her. I've heard that from most people....but then I hear that people are basically intimidated and jealous because I am Board Certified and they aren't. Sounds like a load of whooey, right?
Apparently not. It has caused strife that I didn't even know existed. Quite honestly, it makes me mad. I bust my butt at my school, always. Sure, I'm loud and obnoxious and should probably learn to shut up sometimes (I totally wear my heart on my sleeve, especially when it comes to my kids), but I advocate like whoa for people. I always step up to help when asked....to be slapped in the face because they are essentially jealous. Again, that wasn't the word used to me in this enlightening conversation but it's really the only one that fits.
I was also told that people are afraid of me because they perceive me as "powerful". I don't know where that comes from. I'm just me. I'm just Raye. Again, sometimes loud and obnoxious but I will fight for my students until my very last breath, especially if I think they are being dis-serviced. I want the accountability on everyone who holds a stake, not just me. I don't know where this perception that I have any more power than anyone else comes from.
But now, I feel like I can't share my goals and ambitions with people that I work with because THEY perceive that I'm showboating or rubbing it into their face...which I'm not and never intend to do. Of course I'm proud of myself. I'm the only NBCT in my entire district. It's a big freaking deal! But it's not like I bring it up every 10 seconds as was implied. So now...as I prepare to take on the second biggest move of my career, I feel like I can't share it...because it will cause strife. Simply because other people perceive my actions as a slight against them.
I know...it sounds ridiculous. It IS ridiculous. I would never, in a billion years, ever hold it against someone that they bettered their self in some way. I wouldn't be jealous...and if I was, I would shut the hell up and go on to accomplish the same thing. It's not a competition. I don't think I am better than anyone else...but it really bothers me that this is the perception other people have...simply because I'm not afraid to say what I think...especially if I don't agree with something.
It's really sad that I have to stifle my creativity and my passion for teaching and learning and bettering myself and the profession because other people will be upset by what I accomplish. Other people will see it as me showcasing something that I have busted my ass for.
It also shows me that I may not be able to stay where I am...because it's not fair that I can't be myself and be proud of myself and work hard to accomplish my ultimate goals for the future because of the perceptions other people have. I hate to think that the people I have surrounded myself with professionally are that narrow-minded...but perhaps I'm not as good of a judge of character as I have thought.
I'm really sad about the whole thing to be frank...because now I have to make a tough decision about whether or not I can even stay there. I am always the very first one to volunteer to help and go the extra 80 miles...and obviously it is not appreciated at all.
My only comfort is knowing that I absolutely will accomplish my goals. Only those who truly have supported me, always, will get to celebrate and bask in the glow of that with me.