Went back to work after nearly 3 weeks off and then kind of disappeared. Sorry! Busy, busy!
I have actually started and canned three separate posts since the one I wrote on January 8. I've had so much on my mind, so much going on and just haven't had the desire to air some of that so-called "dirty laundry". Like the fact that I've been teaching with clinical depression for the last 4 years (most of the time you'd never know that I have depression because I'm zany and happy....but when I get those episodes--oh Lord, they are bad!). Like the multiple, multiple hats I'm currently wearing for my job, my personal life and more. Like the absolute most tragic thing that has ever happened in my 8 years of teaching.
Some of those things really can't be elaborated upon too much without violating confidentiality type of things...but sometimes just typing them and then pushing "delete" help me process the event/situation and I can move on.
It's definitely been a weird start to 2014! I've kind of chuckled as my colleagues have complained about how off the wall their kids are. Mine have been just fine. I even had a sub this week (I was in the building just not my room) and she told me my classroom is like a well-oiled machine--the kids knew what to do, when to do it, how to do it and even told HER what SHE was supposed to be doing while they were doing whatever it was. Boy did that make me feel good because this group has struggled with procedures and such.
Wednesday the world ended. You've heard the news of school shootings and tragedies just like I have. I never, ever thought anything like that would happen in my neck of the woods. No shootings or anything that drastic....but a very real (and very scary) situation happened on Wednesday after lunch. I can't say a lot but I will say that its a very good thing we have intervention teachers so they could take my class while I handled the crisis. Crying in the office, hugging, freaked out teachers and staff. It was bad. The child involved is one I would give my left arm for in a heartbeat. I had her in 2nd grade and I LOVE that kid. She is my favorite. (Yeah, you aren't supposed to have favorites but she is mine...I would do anything for that kid.) It was so scary. At one point she said, "I always ask myself 'why would God give me this life'" and you better believe the minute those words escaped her lips, I started to cry. How many times in my young life did I think those thoughts?? Not at age 9...but most of my teen years.
Alas, God is good and His presence was there. He guided me in the decisions that I made, that my principal made and we were able to do what we needed to do in order to protect and help this child and her family. I have never been so scared in my life. One of my colleagues came down to the office at recess and saw us all crying and went upstairs and told my other colleagues "I don't know what is going on but everyone, and I mean everyone, in the office is crying. Something bad happened." Even my principal teared up and was choking back tears. It was such an emotional day.
But I will tell you....I always wondered why I was put back at my school so abruptly this summer. Not that I didn't want to be there, but it was so sudden, you know? God was working His powers. He knew that this child needed me. To be quite frank, *I* need *her* in my life. She is such a blessing to me. I don't know what it is about her that just captured me from the minute I met her. She will go places and I will be damn sure that I'm there to watch her grow into an amazing young woman.
One of our intervention teachers told me that I was a special gift from God and that my life situation would so allow me to bring so many kids up out of dark places. I never really thought about it like that....and it made me cry when she said it because I realized how true that is. God didn't call me to teaching because I'm so good at it....no, He called me to save these kids. Its why I teach where I do. With my NBCT I could leave and pretty much get hired anywhere since its so rare in West Michigan...alas, I won't. I LOVE these kids and I need them as much as they need me.